obscenities

My kundalini is awakening.  Its terribly obvious to me, i don't know if anyone else notices anything.  I am blowing up.  It feels so... good.  My lumbar and my sacrum.  Holy Jesus.  The backs of my knees and the soles of my feet and my toes, all connected my meridians or nadis, I mean its incredible.  My calves, my hamstrings and my lateral thighs, moola bandha, uddhiyana bandha, my shoulders, my lats, my elbows and my wrists, my fingers...  its all moola bandha.  It's all kundalini.

The visions I'm having are unreal.   My own true nature.  The cosmos.  Pure consciousness.  Holy smokes Jesus Christ Amen.  Hare Krishna.  I'm serious it's totally insane.  I'm acting out this pathetic human joke life, barely hanging in there and not particularly wanting to, and having these ridiculous spiritual experiences that are dismantling me from the inside out in a manner that I am barely able to manage and feel alright with and integrate.  And of course they are corresponding to physical, structural changes that are the inevitable manifestations of a fundamental shift in energy.  I have been lifting weights and getting so much joy from it, its just isometric vinyasa asana.  The high resistance loads give tremendous feedback to my system, exposing the chronically painful limits of old patterns while exposing opportunities to create a more holistic sense of support and ease.  It is simply fabulous training for my system in this particular circumstance.  It's all yoga.  If I am climbing a ladder at work I am breathing and moving from moola bandha, which is this full-time educational and evolving experience.  And the mind is a rat I tolerate without leaving food out for.

Except sometimes I forget what's going on and I feed the rat.  Oh fuck what a terrible idea that always turns out to be.  Feeding a rat just leads to lots of rats, everybody knows that. 

It's better to not feed the mind.  Don't feed your mind, relatives.  Of course there are times when we look around and realize we've been leaving food out everywhere and the mind is everywhere. 
No big deal.  Just clean it up with the breath.  That's what's up.  Thoughts are everywhere, we are trapped in the toxicity of our thoughts, and our only escape is through the breath.  Mind cannot find peace.  Peace returns to letting go mind.

There is only the present moment.  I am discovering how my present moments have habitually been perceived through a lens of fear.  My unconscious fears have been running my life and i am beginning to be able to see it.  And simply by seeing how my unconscious fears have been running my life, I am able to interrupt the habit pattern as it arises, simply through accepting awareness.  For in the process of being aware of these unconscious fears as they arise to dictate unconscious behavior, I am aware of my total freedom to choose.  And this total freedom is real freedom.  The freedom to choose gives us the possibility of peace, by choosing love.  And so as I come to terms with the ugly reality that I have been living a life of fear, I am instinctively learning to choose love. 

Holy shit.  I just want to let you all know right now that if choosing love turns out the way I think it does, I just want to thank you all and say I'm sorry and I hope you all forgive me because I mean well, I truly do.  I really do love.  I really am love.  It's really my true nature.  Everything else is this bullshit fear-based personality built to keep me safe by keeping me worthless.  It's sickening to realize but also a tremendous relief.  I don't believe in my personality anymore.  It's still around and I have tremendous compassion for it but it's not me anymore.  It's fucking unbelievable.  I really can't believe my good fortune, to see a possibility for a genuine authentic self to emerge from the tragi-comic neuroses of my personality.  What a relief!  To fearlessly be me!  Sweet Jesus.  It's actually available.  I'm actually really blessed to be in this place, it's like being in a video game and having a character to play, as authentically as possible.  And the character is me, someone I'm only vaguely familiar with.  It's certainly not who I was.  It's someone new, and I have to allow him to reveal himself.  Holy shit this is hilarious. 

Who is this character?  He is wise and mysterious and beautiful and tragic and respected and somewhat fearsome and somewhat pathetic.  But there is more.  He is revealing himself.  He is being born to the world.  and as he comes to terms with himself in the world, the world is changing around him.  He is discovering that it is all already manifested and he is merely a vessel channeling consciousness, like water being poured into water.  He is discovering his own magic, and as he discovers his own magic he reveals his magic to the world.

Of course everything and everyone is obscene, including myself.  Myself most of all, I'm sure.  For I am surely the cause of all obscenity.  Surely all the world's obscenity is my responsibility.  It is because of these feelings of responsibility that I am compelled to take action and overcome my own o

bscenity.

How to do so?  Health and healing and yoga and meditation and sobriety and fitness and working and loving and creating and collaborating. 

Ahh whatever.  I'm smoking weed and hiding from you fuckers that's what I'm doing.  Pardon my obscenity.