crisis

Bastante Solipsis Marquez remained addicted to samsara.  He remained addicted to samsara  because he wanted to live.

Bastante clung to life.  It was his most basic, primordial desire:  To live.  He survived, childishly and selfishly putting the needs of his ego before anyone else, and in surviving he cultivated a base defiance of that which challenged and threatened his survival.  His ego refused to let go of preconceived realities.

He grew egotistical.  That which challenged his ego felt personally threatening.  He could not bear surprises that shook the ground of his identity; who he believed himself to be.  He identified with self.
His very survival felt so tenuous; he did not know if he would live or die.  It made him paranoid, and frightened of death.

He did not know if he would exist or cease to exist; he felt terrified.  He saw his addiction to self and knew the Buddha had taught anatta, no-self.

He knew he needed to practice no-self.  He knew he was bad at it; having spent years grasping at self he saw how hard it was to unlearn bad habits.  He knew his self was not very bueno.

He wanted to kill the ego; the insecure bully who kept sabotoging his life was ruining all of his best chances at happiness.  He yearned to put a gun to his head but he knew better. He yearned to put a knife to his dreadlocks and thought about it long and hard.

It was so hard to create and so easy to destroy.  He did not want to destroy his ego, after all.  Wasn't there any other way?